Debtors' prison

You're going to hate me after this one, but I promised myself that I'd always be honest in this space, so here goes.

People who know me tend to like me. If you met me, you'd like me too. I really am a nice guy, as nice guys go. I can be a curmudgeon at times but an affable and generous one.

The tiny handful of people who know me best have had glimpses into the furthest corners of my being. Once in a while I let them see beneath the veneer of affability on the surface and they learn that not everything living inside of me is beautiful. There are a few corners of my soul where the light doesn't quite reach.

One of my less noble characteristics is my amazing ability to carry a grudge. If there were a standardized test for grudge-carrying, I would be in the 99th percentile. I'm not proud of it, but the concept of forgive and forget does not come easily to me.

Example:

Many years ago I had a slimy boss. How slimy? This was a guy who bragged about cheating on his wife and cheating his employer. Those things I could forgive and forget. But he also took credit for my accomplishments at work and cheated me out of a bonus I had earned. At the time I was powerless to do anything about it. I moved on, but I couldn't forgive those actions. Or forget them.

Decades passed. Not long ago I learned that this guy had contracted a terrible disease and was going to live out the remainder of his life in misery. My first thought wasn't one of heartfelt sympathy for the suffering of another human being. My first thought, God help me, was that it served him right. He was getting what he deserved.

I know. I told you that you'd hate me, and I'm not done yet. We still have a little honesty to go.

When I first learned of the horrible tragedy in Haiti, my very first thought wasn't of the massive loss of life or the terrible human suffering. I didn't even flash back right away to the ruins of my own city following Hurricane Katrina and my gratitude to those who helped us in that dark time.

My very first thought was that Haiti still owes me forty dollars.

A very long time ago I found myself delivering pizzas at night and on weekends in Miami to supplement my income. It was a local chain just like Dominos. The crew consisted of one Anglo (me), a bunch of Cuban-Americans, and one Haitian immigrant who was the assistant manager. The Haitian was funny and friendly, and I liked him a lot. Until.

It was a busy Friday night at the pizza joint, and I was happy because the tips were pouring in. Times were tight so the cash was needed and welcome.

The Haitian assistant manager, the only Haitian I've ever known more than in passing, stole forty dollars of my tip money that night. I was furious. I was positive who did it, but I couldn't prove anything. That money was the product of a night's work and a major financial loss for me at the time.

I never forgave. I never forgot. Haiti still owes me.

You don't have to tell me that I can't blame an entire nation on the actions of one individual. I know that. At least I didn't think that the earthquake was retribution for the slight against me so many years ago, and I certainly took no joy in this disaster.

But still. Why was that my first thought?

I've never been to Haiti, but I've been to Belize, another poor nation heavily dependant on foreign aid. I was in Belize with a church group a couple of summers ago and spent most of my time there helping to build a new school in a rough part of Belize City. We spent the better part of two days wiring the building. A local man was employed to guard the work site overnight. The night after we finished our wiring job, the guard left his post for an hour or so to grab a bite. While he was away, thieves stripped the unfinished building of all the wire we had worked so hard to install.

I was filled with righteous anger. After all, we came there to help them and the thieves were the same people who would soon be sending their children to that school.

The "real" missionaries heading the building project took the setback in stride. Frequent setbacks are the reality in this corner of the world. Life there is hard, at times brutish. Focusing on the setbacks and wallowing in indignation was the first step to admitting defeat, and they wouldn't allow themselves to engage in that kind of thinking.

Every week in my church we all pray out loud "forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors". I've still got a long way to go, but the idea is starting to sink in. Forty dollars isn't worth carrying a grudge around for twenty-five years. Your own soul is worth way more than that.

If you want to donate to the Haitian relief effort, I can think of no better organization for that than the American Red Cross. Here's a link to their donation web site.