Several of you enjoyed meeting a character named Dump in today's earlier post.
I can't think of a single other Dump in all of literature, but it's not a name I made up. I actually had a distant relative (on my hillbilly side) known to the world as "Uncle Dump." I've always wanted to use that name in a story, and I got my chance when I started writing my tale of Constantinople, Alabama.
I have a yarn from that branch of my extended family that may or may not make it into my Constantinople story. It's too good not to share, so I'll tell it here. The names are changed because I can't remember them, but the rest is true.
Mostly.
Virgil was a ne'er-do-well distant Kentucky cousin who always had a get-rich-quick scheme going. Back when mink coats were still the height of fashion, Virgil went into business raising nutrias and chinchillas for their fur. His base of operations was his parents abandoned hen house. Virgil was convinced these less expensive substitutes for mink were going to be his ticket to riches.
Maybe it was just his country accent, but Virgil always referred to the orange-toothed rodents he was raising out back as his "neutrals."
Mama Effie, the ancient and imposing grande dame of the entire clan, didn't suffer fools gladly and had a fearsome way of cutting down good-for-nothings, even ones who happened to be kin to her.
One day, when Effie was visiting Virgil's parents, Virgil proudly gave her a tour of the hen house turned fur factory. Mama Effie nodded as Virgil spoke of all the money he was going to make from the pelts but walked back to the house with pursed lips and without saying a word.
That Thanksgiving, Virgil showed up late for the big family supper. And drunk. With dozens of members of the extended family gathered in the room, Mama Effie, greeted him loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Hey Virgil. How's your possums?"
"They's neutrals, Mama Effie," Virgil wailed. "They's neutrals."
That's priceless!
ReplyDeleteI just wish I'd made it up.
ReplyDeleteAs the closest thing we have to a familyologist I will fill in some blanks. Virgil's real name was Gaither, last name Grief. He was Emily's father. The woman who made fun of Gaither's possums was either Mammie Fondaw or Mommie Henley or was it Mommie Fondaw or Mammie Henley. And did Mommie and Mammie end in "ie" or "y"? And it may not have been them anyway but I do know that it was Gaither's neutrals and he was Emily's father and Emily is our third cousin once removed and that's all I have to say about that.
ReplyDeleteAs for Dump, he is not related to us at all. He was Donna's father. He was married to Pete, Donna's mother. The kicker here is that their last name was Moss making Dump's wife Pete Moss. No Joke.
Now, you might want to apologize to Donna for the Hillbilly comment. And Paducah is flatland anyway. You're welcome.
Thanks baby brother. It bothered me that I couldn't remember more of the details, but since I don't want the facts to get in the way of the truth it was okay.
ReplyDeleteAnd if Sonny or Donna or any of that branch of the family are offended, I apologize. But "Mammy Fondaw"--let's face it, we ain't exactly descended from the Vanderbilts.
What Mike said, especially the hillbilly part. And it's Mommy and Poppy Henley, Mammy and Pappy Fondaw.
ReplyDeleteNow you're just ganging up on me.
ReplyDelete